i couldn't help but wonder..

my emotional degree

2007-12-09T09:21:00.000+10:00

Last night I broke down and cried.

I cried for all of the things I had, but no longer do. I cried for all the things I have, but am scared of losing. I cried because I needed to.

This has been a very big year. So many little changes have occurred and they're still occurring. Anyone who knows me understands I don't react all that well to change. Life though.. full of changes and surprises and I've experienced glorious surprises this year. I know I've already written about it before, but, I am so blessed to have gone through the things this year that I have. The biggest change of all was saying goodbye to my job of 4 years. I wasn't at all prepared for that change, but I am so glad it happened. I love my new job. I love the opportunity's that have arisen from it.

The universe (or whatever is out there) has really provided for me this year.

I was talking (sobbing actually) to Ancara on the phone last night. She's just finished her 4 year degree in Psychology. I couldn't be anymore proud of her. I was telling her how sad I was to not have been able to celebrate with her. While I'm glad Chris was there for her, it should have been me. I've been there from the very beginning of her degree. She said I helped her stand up while doing it. She called it 'our degree'. Very very sweet.

I suppose that I too graduated from a degree. While mine is a continuous one, the bulk of it is over and done with. I graduated emotionally and mentally. I'm so far from the place I was in 4 years ago. So far. I'd hate to be back in that place. I've learnt coping skills, I've learnt communication. I've learnt that IT'S OK to be pissed off and to say so. Feelings are fleeting. Just because I'm annoyed at 'you' now, doesn't mean I will be later. It's a moment to moment thing.

And I graduated from it all.

I'm in a great place now. I'm happy. I never ever thought I'd be able to say that. And while I do have my sad moments (last night included) they don't run my life. My happiness runs my life. My family and friends run my life. I am in control! I am not afraid to voice the things in my head. If it pisses someone off... it's their problem. While I am not out to intentionally hurt anyone, I will make my voice heard. I can't hold back.

In the past 4 years I've been in relationships, I've had the strongest (or what I thought as strong) friendships fall apart. Things have been said and done that have hurt people. I have no regrets because they've made me the person I am now. But just because things have been said, doesn't mean they're still felt now. I can't take away the pain I've caused people. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

People change, though. Sometimes people change without telling me. And that's hard. They think it's OK to just walk away and pretend like we didn't share the time we had. And that fucking hurts. They make promises about staying in touch, and catching up soon- but don't follow through. That annoys me. But, I've always believed - A reason, A season, A lifetime. And while I thought some people would be a lifetime, it's not always for them. That hurts a little, but, you can't change people and I only wish the best for them.

I've realised that in the past 4 years some of my friendships were there to help me through the bad times. Things don't always stay bad. I'm not always going to need a shoulder to cry on, and when you form such friendships based on a life lesson- unfortunately once that lesson is learned, there's not much left of the friendship. The basis for it just doesn't exist anymore.

But just because a friendship no longer has merit doesn't mean it wasn't valued. It doesn't mean I don't look back on the good times. It doesn't mean I don't want more good times. It just means the sole reason for us being friends has sort of dissolved. And it's either time to find a new basis (a more neutral one) or wish each other well, and be civil when we happen to run into each other.

This is a hard lesson to learn.

stuck in a rut

2007-11-13T09:27:00.001+10:00

he past couple of months I think I've been stuck in a boredom rut.

I think it came with changing jobs. I love my job. I'd work there everyday of the week were I allowed (call me crazy, workaholic, whatever). My rut is as follows:

Before when I was working with children I'd go home, play around on the computer as my creative outlet. I'd design stupidly looking websites mostly. I'd talk to a large amount of people about blogs and design and was really into the whole computer scene.

Now that I work on a computer all day everyday, it hasn't lost it's appeal but obviously what I use it for has changed slightly. The past couple of months I've taken up reading, mostly Jodi Picoult books, but as I'm nearing owning almost all of her books, I have to wonder... What do I do now?

I don't want to have reading as a hobby. I want to associate it with relaxing, stimulating my brain in another way.

My problem therefore is: what can I do that would stimulate my brain and my hands, something I can't really get bored of, and something that isn't highly expensive? I've never been really good at doing just one thing. I dabble in this, dabble in that and find while I'm mediocre at it, it doesn't just "grab" my attention and make me crave more.

What do I do?

facebook

2007-10-22T23:52:00.000+10:00

Facebook is the new black, I've decided.

It has anyone and everyone that you'd want to add, destroy, avoid and pretend like they never existed. People who were so horrible to you once upon a time want to be your new best, even if out of a morbid curiosity, to see if you turned out super fucked up like they thought you would.

During my bored times at work I've searched for any name that I could remember in my head. People who used to live in the same street as me, people from primary school or high school. Even people from dancing. Most of these people I wouldn't even consider adding.

Turns out- they've stumbled across to mine and have added me. They want to know how I'm going. They hope I'm doing well.

While it's all well and good- WHY are they hoping these things? WHY do they want to know the ins and outs of the past 10 or 15years of my life? They certainly didn't care enough before hand. So why now?

Have they possibly seen the error of their ways and have actually become mature? Or is it out of spite; I'm better than you are?

It also amazes me that these same people who are adding me are STILL friends with the people they were friends with all those years ago. Somehow I don't think it's a maturity thing..

method to my madness

2007-10-21T09:53:00.000+10:00

So.

I've re-opened this blog. For what reasons I don't know. Perhaps it's because I'm sitting here, completely bored at work (at my new job, no less). Or is it because I need a neutral ground to post on? Away from the spotlight of various people and their prying eyes. I'm not sure exactly.

So much has changed this year. I can't even begin to comprehend the change. The things I've felt and been subjected too. It's been such an emotional roller coaster. But a roller coaster I'm glad I've been on.

Right now I'm restless. I need a creative outlet. I need to do something that has meaning. I need to learn new things and create new memories.

I need to be.

What will the next 3 months bring?

gone.

2007-01-17T18:52:00.000+10:00

WOULD YOU NOTICE IF I DISAPPEARED? Would you care? I guess we'll soon find out. (This applies to one person in particular only. I don't know if I can continue writing here. Some things have shifted and changed. Always contactable via email. pinkDOTpanasonicATgmailDOTcom

Gone!

to do

2007-01-08T19:57:00.000+10:00

What to do... what to do.

4 days

2006-12-12T12:28:00.000+10:00

Time has flown by so quickly. I remember starting my little countdown at 60. Only 4 short days to go.

I've already got a few plans for while I'm in Perth. There's a party happening the night I fly in. A joint birthday party, so that should be good. And heading over to see dads sister, and her kids (my cousins). That should be cool too.

And at some stage meeting up with David.

Other than that, G and I will be hanging out, going shopping and doing general girly things I think.

still

2006-12-06T08:18:00.001+10:00

I think I've got a virus. Most likely a slow manifestation of the flu. Everything always drags out when it comes to me. If I have a cold instead of it lasting a week, it drags out for 3 weeks. It's shitty. So I'm feeling exhausted. All my muscles are aching and cramping. Makes it hard to work. My chest has random sore spasms. Yeah that's great when I'm carrying heavy things at work. Real good.

For once I just wish I could sleep like a normal person does. Sick or not I don't get enough sleep. Most times it doesn't bug me. People always exclaim that they couldn't live this way. What way is that? It's the only way I've ever known. In my entire life there's only a few ocassions where I can remember having a really good sleep, a sleep that I awoke refreshed and ready to start the day.

Moving on.

Since my glasses are slightly mangled I went to the optometrist yesterday. Great expense to have just before I go away. *sigh* So I ended up choosing two pairs. My dad asked me why I needed two pairs of glasses if I can only wear one pair at a time. Good question. I wanted two pairs because a) I need a back up pair if this should EVER happen again, b) Free lenses with every pair you buy. So I'm basically getting two for one, c) the 2nd pair have the magnet up the top of the nose bridge so I can attach the sunglasses attachment.. which came at a great price them, d) and also because I couldn't choose between the two pairs!

So they've sent one pair of glasses off as urgent (can't go around not being able to see far, can I?) and the other pair (the sunglasses pair) I've put on lay-by until after new years. I also ordered 15pairs of contact lenses and the guy, I think his name was Anthony, gave me two days of trial pairs. What a nice man!

Weird dreams...

For the second time now I've had a dodgy dream revolving around my upcoming trip to Perth. I don't remember much of the first dream. It musn't have been bad enough to even write it down. But the dream from last night I remember a bit. I remember being dropped off at the airport. I think Ancara was with me but it didn't look like her. And we were wandering the airport, looking for food. I remember trying to hurry the retail guy to give me my food. We ran to the terminal only to discover we were at the wrong airport and that the plane had left over an hour ago. I rang Gina in tears, explaining to her I missed the plane and I couldn't get another flight out until the next day.

The airport people wouldn't help me by transfering my tickets, and because of my recent expense on my glasses, I didn't have enough money to pay the difference in the tickets.

And then I woke up. I think my first dream was along the same lines as missing the plane or being late or something. I know I woke up feeling disturbed after both dreams and have been left feeling uneasy. I think there's a bit of anxiety around this trip. It's been quite a while since I've been out of my environment for this long. Of course I'll be with people I trust, but I can't help feeling a bit anxious about it.

There's a few other things happening in my life that I'm a bit anxious about right now, too. Anways.. not long now. Only 10 days!!

stupid

2006-12-02T11:37:00.000+10:00

It's not worth it anymore. I'm too fragile to be dealing with this shit, and they're at an age where they need someone more stable. I can't keep doing this. Something's gotta give.

only 19

2006-11-27T13:40:00.001+10:00

Only 19 days to go!!

hottt

2006-11-24T13:21:00.000+10:00

It's so fucking hot today. Currently it's 28degrees with a humidity of 49%!

Queensland, why do you fucking do this??? Mr Weatherman, please give us some cooler weather. I already feel like shit without this crappy weather to add to it!

santa clause 3

2006-11-23T14:30:00.000+10:00

Am taking the girls to see The Santa Clause 3 tonight. We haven't been to the movies together in a while, and I'm trying to entice Dad to come along too. As a family we've watched both SC1 & SC2 numerous times. I was rather excited to discover they had made No. 3!

I finish work at 5pm today (that's if no one asks to swap shifts with me..). I'll come home, get changed, and then we'll make our way up to Sunnybank. I am absolutely dying for a Frozen Coke. I rarely ever buy food from the cinemas as I don't like the expensive prices. I might splurge... just this once :)

only twenty-three

2006-11-23T11:23:00.000+10:00

There's only twenty-three days until I leave for Perth. I remember starting my countdown at SIXTY!! Now there's less than a month, and I still have quite a bit to do.

I've already started my Christmas shopping. I've still got to get a few gifts for some family members, but I'm waiting for a few relatives to get back to me.

So far I don't have much planned for my trip. Spending as much time as I can with Gina, and also, catching up with Marlis and her two children. I haven't seen them since they were quite young.

Marlis and I are planning on having a traditional family christmas. She hasn't had one in about 10years. I'm not complaing, though. Good food, alcohol, good company.. what more can I ask for?

Twenty-three and counting....!

Belinda Emmett

2006-11-11T09:47:00.000+10:00

Omg!!!

ACTOR and wife of TV presenter Rove McManus, Belinda Emmett has died in Sydney, Skynews has reported.

The 32 year-old actress, who starred in All Saints and Home and Away, had fought an eight-year battle with breast cancer which had spread to her vertebrae.

In January 2005, she married her longtime boyfriend, television presenter Rove McManus.

That's so sad!! :(

hilton

2006-11-10T23:23:00.001+10:00

Ive had a few drinks tonight. The one song I can't stop humming: Paris Hilton's stupid song. God knows the name. But she';s in the video clip with some teenage boy, or something.

Doo doo dooo dooooo doo doo doo

decisions

2006-11-10T10:14:00.000+10:00

Decisions, decicions, decisions..

what to dooooooo!

broken

2006-11-09T09:37:00.000+10:00

Harley's been limping a bit on her paw. Every few nights she gets into a fight with this HUUUUUUUUGE orange ball of fluff and because this ball of fluff is twice her size, Harls gets a bit of a beating.

Her right front leg isn't looking so good.. :(

nova 106.9

2006-10-29T13:33:00.001+10:00

Why isn't the Nova 106.9 website working??? :(

so much

2006-10-29T12:25:00.000+10:00

So much has happened this year. I can't even remember the beginning of the year. It seems like it was such a lifetime ago. I know that I was positive it would be a great year. And it has been. It's had its fair share of tears, and a whole bunch of confusion, but I'm still here. I'm still holding on.

Granted a few things have taken place that I never thought would. I have gained so much strength and perspective in regards to a few things. I'm just amazed at how good I am feeling within myself.

Of course I wouldn't be in this place if I didn't have help on the way. My guardian angels, my bestest of all best friends on Earth- Ancara. I've received so much love and guidance from Ancara and other friends.

I've discovered strong, long-lasting friendships within people I've known for a while. Their love and support, hugs and jokes have made me realise that I'm a great person and I don't deserve people treating me like crap!

I am so greatful for every little thing the universe has thrown at me. A lot of confusing things have happened and they're continuing to happen, but I am so greatful I am of sound mind and heart to be able to deal with it.

I can't extend my gratitude and thanks in any other way. I am afraid I can't articulate it.

I am incredibly lucky and fortunate to have everyone in my life!

harley barley

2006-10-22T09:06:00.000+10:00

I just took these two photos of Harley and I. It's a rare ocassion that we see her, and even more rare that she hangs around for longer than 2 minutes. So while she camped on top of my TV I took these snapshots. I really like both of them, but more so the blurry picture.

While taking the picture I was telling Harley how much I love her and how I love it when she comes home. Jolly old conversation where I was talking and she was only half listening :)

intense

2006-10-21T12:10:00.000+10:00

the rest of this year is going to be so intense. i can feel it surging through me. i'm excited, but worried too. a lot has happened this year. some good things, some real shitty things. i'd like to say i'm prepared for what is about to be thrown at me, but in truth, i'm not.

all i can do is get through it the best i can.

drinks

2006-10-21T10:43:00.000+10:00

Went out for some drinks and karaoke with Mepa and her next door neighbour last night. Naomi is pretty cool. Met her a few months back. I think it was the night that Nick and Natalie moved into their new place.

Drinks drinks drinks. Plus old guy hitting on Mepa. Eww! And some dick saying that I had a gorgeous face and I should play on it. Uh-huh. Ten too many drinks for him!!

We had a good time on the way home, screaming at random people in the street!

the heat

2006-10-18T13:46:00.000+10:00

25 degrees. We're in Spring. It's gonna be one hell of a Summer.

I want airconditioning!

ADVICE PLEASE- very 1st

2006-10-17T10:14:00.001+10:00

miss m has been screaming for the past hour. she's experiencing her first every menstruation. she's not liking it one bit. she doesn't want dragon lady (our mother) to know. apparently she has no right to know.

i've organised for one of her friends to come over when school finishes. just to explain that it's not horrible, it is natural and she will get used to it.

for as long as i can remember she's been adament it's not going to happen, and she's not going to grow up. i don't understand where this HUGE dislike for it has come from. miss a is completely aware the process will happen, and isn't happy about it, but sure as hell won't freak like m did.

ANY advice is welcomed, PLEASE!

angel of love

2006-10-12T14:27:00.000+10:00

?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??

Love
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If I weren't so synical, I might actually believe this ;)