my emotional degree

Last night I broke down and cried.

I cried for all of the things I had, but no longer do. I cried for all the things I have, but am scared of losing. I cried because I needed to.

This has been a very big year. So many little changes have occurred and they're still occurring. Anyone who knows me understands I don't react all that well to change. Life though.. full of changes and surprises and I've experienced glorious surprises this year. I know I've already written about it before, but, I am so blessed to have gone through the things this year that I have. The biggest change of all was saying goodbye to my job of 4 years. I wasn't at all prepared for that change, but I am so glad it happened. I love my new job. I love the opportunity's that have arisen from it.

The universe (or whatever is out there) has really provided for me this year.

I was talking (sobbing actually) to Ancara on the phone last night. She's just finished her 4 year degree in Psychology. I couldn't be anymore proud of her. I was telling her how sad I was to not have been able to celebrate with her. While I'm glad Chris was there for her, it should have been me. I've been there from the very beginning of her degree. She said I helped her stand up while doing it. She called it 'our degree'. Very very sweet.

I suppose that I too graduated from a degree. While mine is a continuous one, the bulk of it is over and done with. I graduated emotionally and mentally. I'm so far from the place I was in 4 years ago. So far. I'd hate to be back in that place. I've learnt coping skills, I've learnt communication. I've learnt that IT'S OK to be pissed off and to say so. Feelings are fleeting. Just because I'm annoyed at 'you' now, doesn't mean I will be later. It's a moment to moment thing.

And I graduated from it all.

I'm in a great place now. I'm happy. I never ever thought I'd be able to say that. And while I do have my sad moments (last night included) they don't run my life. My happiness runs my life. My family and friends run my life. I am in control! I am not afraid to voice the things in my head. If it pisses someone off... it's their problem. While I am not out to intentionally hurt anyone, I will make my voice heard. I can't hold back.

In the past 4 years I've been in relationships, I've had the strongest (or what I thought as strong) friendships fall apart. Things have been said and done that have hurt people. I have no regrets because they've made me the person I am now. But just because things have been said, doesn't mean they're still felt now. I can't take away the pain I've caused people. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

People change, though. Sometimes people change without telling me. And that's hard. They think it's OK to just walk away and pretend like we didn't share the time we had. And that fucking hurts. They make promises about staying in touch, and catching up soon- but don't follow through. That annoys me. But, I've always believed - A reason, A season, A lifetime. And while I thought some people would be a lifetime, it's not always for them. That hurts a little, but, you can't change people and I only wish the best for them.

I've realised that in the past 4 years some of my friendships were there to help me through the bad times. Things don't always stay bad. I'm not always going to need a shoulder to cry on, and when you form such friendships based on a life lesson- unfortunately once that lesson is learned, there's not much left of the friendship. The basis for it just doesn't exist anymore.

But just because a friendship no longer has merit doesn't mean it wasn't valued. It doesn't mean I don't look back on the good times. It doesn't mean I don't want more good times. It just means the sole reason for us being friends has sort of dissolved. And it's either time to find a new basis (a more neutral one) or wish each other well, and be civil when we happen to run into each other.

This is a hard lesson to learn.